Marriage in the COVID Era
“Familiarity breeds contempt.”
If you thought you knew your wife before, you really know her now. You always wanted to spend more time with your husband, but how much time is too much? You’re not just together from 6 pm to 8 am. Now you’re together from 9 to 5, too. 24/7. Does it feel like it’s been 365 days of this? Are you starting to feel contempt?
When my wife and I were dating, we didn’t get to spend that much time together. I was going to school in Wisconsin. She was working in Illinois. Two-plus hours of Chicago traffic separated us. Yet, as they say, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”
When we got married, suddenly we saw each other every day. I woke up. There she was. She went to sleep. I was still there. We got to know each other even better than before. A blessing in many ways! But it’s also a time of adjustment. Married life is different from single life. If in our relationships we’re not careful, adjustment can lead to frustration. Frustration to resentment. Resentment to contempt.
How has it been being home with your husband or wife (and don’t forget children) so much more than before? Has it been a challenge? You wouldn’t be alone in that. According to a recent study of filings for divorce, such filings have increased by 34% because of the pandemic. In another survey, 31% of couples said the quarantine has been damaging to their relationship. It didn’t even take that long. Divorce filings started spiking less than three weeks into the quarantine. Couples married for less than five years have been hit hardest. Even couples with young children are divorcing at an increased rate. (You can find all this info here: https://legaltemplates.net/resources/personal-family/divorce-rates-covid-19/).
How is more time together making couples want no time together? It’s the stress of trying to stay healthy, even when one or both spouses has an essential job. It’s trying to figure out how to pay the bills when unemployment hasn’t kept up with your family’s needs. It’s disagreeing on what the best solutions for your kids are. It’s just the disagreeing. It’s seeing that person up close and personal for long periods of time for the first time in a long time, or perhaps just even for the first time.
When God created the world, he created the man from the dust of the ground. And yet he wasn’t finished. He looked at the first man and said, “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). So, God created the woman so that they would be each other’s companions. How much more valuable this companionship became after sin came into the world. Now, each had a teammate to face even crises together. If you are struggling from loneliness right now because you don’t have a companion like this, please know that God is watching out for you, too. And please reach out to us, your fellow brothers and sisters.
But even though this was God's design, and even though after sin came into the world that companionship remained, that very relationship was marred by sin. God said to Eve, “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you” (Genesis 3:16). There would be always be struggles between husband and wife. Who makes the decisions? Who is right? Who wins?
Every marriage has problems because of sin. Usually, it’s selfishness. Think of the problems going on in your marriage. How many of these problems come because we think in terms of “I want …” instead of “We want …”? “I need …” instead of “We need …?”
If only it were as easy as changing the way we think or talk about marriage! Selfish talk and selfish thought come from a selfish heart! We need a change of heart before we can change our marriage. We need forgiveness.
God the Holy Spirit writes in Ephesians 5:
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Christ loves both you and your spouse. He loved you enough to give himself up for you, to make you his Church. He died to make you holy. He cleansed you by washing you in Baptism. He’s taken off the old clothes, wrinkled and stained, and put on the new clothes of holiness and blamelessness. He guarantees a changed heart! He guarantees forgiveness!
Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church. How’s that? Not selfishly but selflessly. Wives, respect your husbands, just as Christ’s Church loves and respects and is led by him. Not selfishly, but selflessly. This is what God's design for companionship looks like. Each partner taking care of the other, both working together as one unit.
I’m not married so that I can get through the Covid Era. I am married to make sure she gets through the Covid Era.
God help me do this! For Jesus’ sake, forgive me when I fail!